The Bane of Returning

I fear that my fears

Overwrite my love for my peers

I'm scared of returning home

To a room where I'd felt alone,

To where I'd wished to lie

And fuse into the earth and die.

I fear returning to a home

And staring into a blank wall

With tired, emotionless eyes,

And feeling bleak and lost

And disrespect and desperation

And tiredness and nothingness,

And feel, more often than not

A lump against my throat

Before I break into tears

On a beautiful sunny Sunday.

I fear hearing and listening

To friends talking and giggling

Over events that caused me pain

I'm alert every second again.

I look up from my coffee

And watch him walk nonchalantly

Perfectly able and happy

Undisturbed by what traversed me.

My wrecked gut, my blemished soul

I feel nostalgic stress again.

And on a Friday

I'll wonder what to do.

Yes, he's everywhere

With everyone; I can't escape,

He's preferred over me

I wish I had the power to heal

And while it rains, I'll

Wail into the roaring clouds.

And I'm afraid, that

Upon finding the faintest clue

Of not being healthy, of

Being myself from a year ago

I'll be pushed away, disowned

By people I love and adore

Will they stay if they learn

That I'm still scared and hurt?

I fear my return will stir

A plethora of sour souvenirs

And I'd be pushed to the edge again

But this time I won't have an anchor.

I miss my friends but

But they've left home.