Melatonin - Or The Lack Thereof

3:40AM. I’m woken up by some demigorgon in a Pac-man maze- world preventing me from changing the ion channel density of a network.

3:50 AM. I’m still writhing in discomfort on a perfectly comfortable bed wanting to sleep. It’s a bit breathlesss under the comforter so I expose myself to the fan, a half-naked twelve year old boy.

3:60:57. I’m on my laptop looking for a distraction. Any distraction would work completely fine. Should I read? Maybe; Madeline Miller is getting dustier by the minute. On the other hand I’m a bit dazed. Instagram doesn’t engage my mind anymore, shockingly. And House can intrigue me for only so long – specifically eight seasons’ worth of time.

Time stamps. I yawn as I try not to sleep. I don’t yawn as I do try to sleep. The bed was too soft, the night too warm. My mind too scrambled, synapses bursting at times they really shouldn’t. I’m disturbed, and I don’t think a hobby would fix that; nor would physical exhaustion. I couldn’t sully it with alcohol – there’s beer downstairs, but not mine. An insomniac with no reason, I sit upright and wonder. No stars to gaze upon, no wind to cleanse your being against. The holy morning was giving nothing but nightmares.

I prop myself up but put myself down again. I give up. I’d sleep on the ground if I had to, but do I have to? Did I oversleep the other day? Nobody to talk to, this is the most odd hour to be awake at. The hour your body is physically the weakest, your heart the most prone to stop. This hour, I’m mentally the weakest, denying myself sleep. And no hobby or self-reflection or positive mindset or bowl of fruits or face sera or honey masks is going to change the very fact that my mind is running on an odd hour, serotonin stimulating the wrongest of my circuits in a very counterproductive, arguably dumb fashion. I need something, but I’m scared. Scared of drinking myself to sleep again. Or distracting myself to sleep again.

The last time I couldn’t sleep, I downed meds to shut my brain down, leaving me awake but hazy, alive but numb. But what am I to do now? I pray to some higher being to shut my brain up, but what am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to do to sleep?